Work it out, these things happen, think of the children........ I have come to really dislike those phrases, I might explode if I hear any of them again!
My marriage is over, that's the truth, the reality that I had to look in the eyes and accept. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I wanted to close my eyes and pretend it was all a dream, that I was imagining it all. I wanted to die and be free of the pain.
I look back and remember longing for the day when I'd be fine, when I'd no longer feel the pain. It took everything I had to fight to live and breathe.
Finally I was free, I felt the peace within. My heart was not burning anymore, it was peaceful. I was smiling once again.
Then it happened,the words were spoken, directed to me..... "these things happen, work things out, see a counsellor, think of the children". They sent me into a zone of anger and frustration! How dare they tell me to work things out? I'm I the one who ruined things? I'm I the one who broke my own heart?
These things happen....... doesn't make it right though, doesn't make it okay. Saying that to me is like telling me to accept infidelity as part of life and carry on like its no big deal. Well its a huge deal for me! I did not get married to be cheated on, I could have dated player after player if that's what I wanted.
Think of the children......... I have done plenty of that. I observed how it affected my kids. They saw me weep almost daily for a month, they saw me miserable, no child should ever see their mother cry like that. They were part of my motivation to get better, to heal and be a better mum to them. I will not go backwards in the name of "thinking of the children". I am moving forward, drama free, baggage free.
No. That's my response to it all. No, I will not work anything out because I do not want to. I do not want to work things out with a serial cheater, a person who couldn't cherish me when he had me, who couldn't be faithful. No, I will not go for marriage counselling because I don't believe it will change my mind. No, I will not be bullied into staying in a broken relationship because of my children. My kids deserve a stable, happy mama.
I wish people would see how much happier I am now. I am free to be me
I will, instead, think of me. I will think of myself and my own happiness. Too often women are pressured into sacrificing their own happiness, being told to stay in bad marriages for the kids' sake and because men will always cheat, might as well just stay. Well, I refuse. I believe that each human has a right to be happy and at peace.
Woman, stand up and live your life fiercely, with meaning, with zeal, with purpose. Do not kill yourself because of a man. You have so much potential, do not give up on yourself. Live your life.
Thursday, 28 January 2016
Monday, 14 December 2015
2015
Dear 2015,
2014 ended on a happy note, and you began on what seemed to be a happy note too. I remember watching fireworks light up the night sky through the window. I remember, most importantly, that I got the feeling that you would be a great year for me and so many others.
However, 5 days in and my life changed forever, the messages I read tore me apart. I remember asking him if it's true and he said yes, in a cold voice, no remorse, no apology. He stood there like, like he had nothing wrong, like it was okay. He broke my heart terribly, it was shattered beyond repair.
I hardly remember the next few weeks, I was in so much pain I wanted to die. I prayed for the pain to end, to just evaporate and let me be. I cried so much that I was sure I would dry up. I cried daily until my body got used to it. My kids hugged me each time they saw me cry, they didn't know what else to do. They would tell me to tell them who hurt me so they could deal with them. Their love got me through horrible days. I lost my appetite, I couldn't eat. I wanted to drink my wine and just be. But, I had a little human to care for. He needed me. My kids needed me to be Mama and to be okay and that's how my recovery started.
Let it go. That phrase was on repeat in my mind for weeks after. I had to focus on letting go. Letting go of the pain, letting go of the thoughts that haunted me every minute, letting go of the dreams I had had, letting go of life as I knew it. I had to let go and stop , just stop. It took me a while but i finally let go. I let go of him and all the dreams I'd had of "us", I let go of the thoughts and the pain. It took me a while though. I felt my heart change, I felt the old broken one get replaced with a new one. One without scars and hurts, one eager to love itself.
I started to dream of a different life. I decided to live my life happily on my own terms. I decided to be me, unapologetically me. I felt free and loved it. I was free.
Oh 2015, you were a very interesting year.
I remember the first time I met him, I was picking something from him. I met him again while dropping things off or delivering a cake to him, there was nothing special about him. It was during one of those brief meetings that he called me gorgeous. Now now, I hadn't heard that words in a while, well at least in reference to me! I was excited! Someone out there thought I was gorgeous. I was still visible. I was sure I had somehow become this invisible person, pain and hurt can lower the self esteem to below visible!
Life went on, my excitement lasted for a short while and it was back to focusing on my kids and my business. But, that one word woke me up and made feel somehow alive. My new heart took it and ran with it! As the months rolled on I found myself opening up to the idea of finding love again, perhaps in 20 years, I told myself.
I met him a few months ago. He ordered cake and we exchanged numbers. A few weeks later we were at the same social gathering. We hang out after and talked for hours.He is wonderful company. My brief time with him was eye opening. He helped me see myself differently, words he said to me gave my self esteem a much needed boost. A few hours of chatting with him and I felt alive. He saw me for me, his kind words and vast knowledge of God left me wanting more. He might not know this but God used him to help me feel again, breathe again and dance again.
Dear 2015, you started on a sad note but you have taught me so much. I wanted to hate you but instead I am grateful. I Thank God for the lessons learned, for the pain that taught me to be more compassionate and loving. I am thankful for being able to find myself and know myself and above all love myself.
2014 ended on a happy note, and you began on what seemed to be a happy note too. I remember watching fireworks light up the night sky through the window. I remember, most importantly, that I got the feeling that you would be a great year for me and so many others.
However, 5 days in and my life changed forever, the messages I read tore me apart. I remember asking him if it's true and he said yes, in a cold voice, no remorse, no apology. He stood there like, like he had nothing wrong, like it was okay. He broke my heart terribly, it was shattered beyond repair.
I hardly remember the next few weeks, I was in so much pain I wanted to die. I prayed for the pain to end, to just evaporate and let me be. I cried so much that I was sure I would dry up. I cried daily until my body got used to it. My kids hugged me each time they saw me cry, they didn't know what else to do. They would tell me to tell them who hurt me so they could deal with them. Their love got me through horrible days. I lost my appetite, I couldn't eat. I wanted to drink my wine and just be. But, I had a little human to care for. He needed me. My kids needed me to be Mama and to be okay and that's how my recovery started.
Let it go. That phrase was on repeat in my mind for weeks after. I had to focus on letting go. Letting go of the pain, letting go of the thoughts that haunted me every minute, letting go of the dreams I had had, letting go of life as I knew it. I had to let go and stop , just stop. It took me a while but i finally let go. I let go of him and all the dreams I'd had of "us", I let go of the thoughts and the pain. It took me a while though. I felt my heart change, I felt the old broken one get replaced with a new one. One without scars and hurts, one eager to love itself.
I started to dream of a different life. I decided to live my life happily on my own terms. I decided to be me, unapologetically me. I felt free and loved it. I was free.
Oh 2015, you were a very interesting year.
I remember the first time I met him, I was picking something from him. I met him again while dropping things off or delivering a cake to him, there was nothing special about him. It was during one of those brief meetings that he called me gorgeous. Now now, I hadn't heard that words in a while, well at least in reference to me! I was excited! Someone out there thought I was gorgeous. I was still visible. I was sure I had somehow become this invisible person, pain and hurt can lower the self esteem to below visible!
Life went on, my excitement lasted for a short while and it was back to focusing on my kids and my business. But, that one word woke me up and made feel somehow alive. My new heart took it and ran with it! As the months rolled on I found myself opening up to the idea of finding love again, perhaps in 20 years, I told myself.
I met him a few months ago. He ordered cake and we exchanged numbers. A few weeks later we were at the same social gathering. We hang out after and talked for hours.He is wonderful company. My brief time with him was eye opening. He helped me see myself differently, words he said to me gave my self esteem a much needed boost. A few hours of chatting with him and I felt alive. He saw me for me, his kind words and vast knowledge of God left me wanting more. He might not know this but God used him to help me feel again, breathe again and dance again.
Dear 2015, you started on a sad note but you have taught me so much. I wanted to hate you but instead I am grateful. I Thank God for the lessons learned, for the pain that taught me to be more compassionate and loving. I am thankful for being able to find myself and know myself and above all love myself.
Wednesday, 26 August 2015
Trust Him
Some days are harder. The thoughts overwhelm and cause worry, panic, fear. But God says not to worry, He has this covered, He has all of it covered.
He has covered you with His grace.
I hate such days. I wish I could fast forward to the future when things are going well and I'm better off. But missing the ride isn't an option. The lesson is in the ride. The miracle is in the ride.
God says, "Trust Me".
He has covered you with His grace.
I hate such days. I wish I could fast forward to the future when things are going well and I'm better off. But missing the ride isn't an option. The lesson is in the ride. The miracle is in the ride.
God says, "Trust Me".
source:Pinterest.
Whatever it is that you are going through, whatever it might be, know this, God has you covered. He will provide. He will protect. He will guide you. Ask Him to take over and then Trust Him.
Trust is a verb. Its not a one day event. It's a constant action, you keep trusting Him. You don't do it once and forget. Make a conscious decision daily to Trust Him, He has you covered. He is always with you.
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