2015

Dear 2015, 

2014 ended on a happy note, and you began on what seemed to be a happy note too. I remember watching fireworks light up the night sky through the window. I remember, most importantly, that I got the feeling that you would be a great year for me and so many others.
However, 5 days in and my life changed forever, the messages I read tore me apart. I remember asking him if it's true and he said yes, in a cold voice, no remorse, no apology. He stood there like, like he had nothing wrong, like it was okay. He broke my heart terribly, it was shattered beyond repair.
I hardly remember the next few weeks, I was in so much pain I wanted to die. I prayed for the pain to end, to just evaporate and let me be. I cried so much that I was sure I would dry up. I cried daily until my body got used to it. My kids hugged me each time they saw me cry, they didn't know what else to do. They would tell me to tell them who hurt me so they could deal with them. Their love got me through horrible days. I lost my appetite, I couldn't eat. I wanted to drink my wine and just be. But, I had a little human to care for. He needed me. My kids needed me to be Mama and to be okay and that's how my recovery started.
Let it go. That phrase was on repeat in my mind for weeks after. I had to focus on letting go. Letting go of the pain, letting go of the thoughts that haunted me every minute, letting go of the dreams I had had, letting go of life as I knew it. I had to let go and stop , just stop. It took me a while but i finally let go. I let go of him and all the dreams I'd had of "us", I let go of the thoughts and the pain. It took me a while though. I felt my heart change, I felt the old broken one get replaced with a new one. One without scars and hurts, one eager to love itself.
I started to dream of a different life. I decided to live my life happily on my own terms. I decided to be me, unapologetically me. I felt free and loved it. I was free.

Oh 2015, you were a very interesting year.

I remember the first time I met him, I was picking something from him. I met him again while dropping things off or delivering a cake to him, there was nothing special about him. It was during one of those brief meetings that he called me gorgeous. Now now, I hadn't heard that words in a while, well at least in reference to me! I was excited! Someone out there thought I was gorgeous. I was still visible. I was sure I had somehow become this invisible person, pain and hurt can lower the self esteem to below visible!
Life went on, my excitement lasted for a short while and it was back to focusing on my kids and my business. But, that one word woke me up and made feel somehow alive. My new heart took it and ran with it! As the months rolled on I found myself opening up to the idea of finding love again, perhaps in 20 years, I told myself. 
I met him a few months ago. He ordered cake and we exchanged numbers. A few weeks later we were at the same social gathering. We hang out after and talked for hours.He is wonderful company. My brief time with him was eye opening. He helped me see myself differently, words he said to me gave my self esteem a much needed boost. A few hours of chatting with him and I felt alive. He saw me for me, his kind words and vast knowledge of God left me wanting more. He might not know this but God used him to help me feel again, breathe again and dance again.
Dear 2015, you started on a sad note but you have taught me so much. I wanted to hate you but instead I am grateful. I Thank God for the lessons learned, for the pain that taught me to be more compassionate and loving. I am thankful for being able to find myself and know myself and above all love myself.